


You're all the things I've got to remember

by echoknight



Series: Kanera Week 2020 [7]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canonical Character Death, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Home, Hurt/Comfort, Kanera Week, Kanera Week 2020, Oral Sex, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26320792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/echoknight/pseuds/echoknight
Summary: Home isn’t just where you live – it is where you love, and are loved in return. It isn’t about location at all, really.For Kanan Jarrus, home is wherever Hera Syndulla happens to be.Kanan and Hera are more than partners, more than lovers. They're family. They're home. And that will always, always be true.Or, four short stories about unconditional love.For Kanera Week 2020,Day 6: family / home.
Relationships: Hera Syndulla & Jacen Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus & Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Series: Kanera Week 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903747
Comments: 20
Kudos: 48
Collections: Kanera Week 2020





	You're all the things I've got to remember

**Author's Note:**

> This story is canon-compliant, meaning that there is reference to Kanan's death. CW for brief description of oral sex.

It doesn’t take long for Kanan to start referring to the Ghost as “home” in his head. He has a flexible sense of home – for the past decade, home has been anywhere he could rest his head and avoid capture. At first, he had been homesick for the Jedi Temple, but he quickly stamped out those feelings. There was no reason to be sentimental about a so-called “home.” It was just a place to sleep.  
  
So Kanan doesn’t notice it when he calls the Ghost “home” for the first time out loud, a few months after joining Hera.  
  
“I can’t wait until this job is over and we can go home. I hate Corellia,” Kanan says, standing in a dank alleyway while they wait to rendezvous with Hera’s contact. Corellia is exactly the kind of place where Kanan had thrived before meeting Hera – dirty, crime-infested, and filled with all sorts of establishments of ill repute. It was a planet where a drifter with a drinking problem could easily get lost, and never find his way home.  
  
Hera turns to him, an expression of surprise on her face.  
  
“What? You don’t hate Corellia?” Kanan asks. He crosses his arms and leans against one of the dumpsters in the alley.  
  
“You called the Ghost ‘home,’” Hera says. Kanan’s heart starts to pound. _Shit._ Did he say something wrong? Had he assumed too much about his partnership with Hera?  
  
“So? It’s where I live,” Kanan replies, an edge of defensiveness creeping into his voice. Hera smiles.  
  
“It’s just nice to hear you call the Ghost ‘home,’” Hera says sincerely. Kanan suppresses his sigh of relief. She isn’t going to kick him off the ship. “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to say that,” she continues. He shrugs.  
  
“Thanks for making me feel comfortable,” he says. Hera’s smile widens, and Kanan’s chest constricts. Force, she is beautiful.  
  
Kanan doesn’t have the heart to tell her that “home” isn’t a special word for him, it doesn’t have any significant meaning. She’s looking at him with affection, almost tenderness, and he won’t do anything to chase that look away.  
  
Of course, Kanan later reflects, he was very wrong. Home isn’t just where you live – it is where you love, and are loved in return. It isn’t about location at all, really.  
  
For Kanan Jarrus, home is wherever Hera Syndulla happens to be.  
  


* * *

  
  
The first time Kanan and Hera make love, both of them are so nervous that their hands are trembling. Their touches are tentative, then desperate, as they move to pull off clothing and close the spaces between them.  
  
“Is this okay?” Kanan asks as he takes off Hera’s shirt and presses soft kisses on her breasts. “Is this okay?” he asks again when he begins to move lower, nipping at her stomach, his hands steady on her hips. He asks before he takes off her pants, before he kisses her over the fabric of her underwear, before he pulls those off too.  
  
“Yes,” Hera breathes, again and again. Yes, that’s okay, that’s more than okay, that’s perfect.  
  
When Kanan goes down on Hera, it’s like a revelation – she didn’t know it was possible to feel this way. Her experience is admittedly limited, but she knows she will never want anyone else after this. The feel of Kanan’s tongue makes fireworks explode in her head, her body responding to his movements of its own accord, her breath coming in fast and shallow. When she comes, it’s overwhelming – almost painful, in a delicious way. Every nerve in her body is singing.  
  
Kanan clambers back up her body until his face is above hers again, breathing only slightly less heavily than she is. Much of his hair has come out of his ponytail, and is falling in curtains around his face. He looks extremely self-satisfied.  
  
“Was that okay?” he asks, his voice teasing.  
  
“That was _incredible,_ ” Hera gasps. She can’t even manage to tease him back – her brain will be nonfunctional for the next few minutes. Kanan grins and presses a quick kiss to her cheek.  
  
  
"I want you to fuck me,” Hera says, the words tumbling out of her mouth quickly. Kanan looks at her, surprised.  
  
“Are you sure? We don’t have to,” he says.  
  
“No, I want to,” Hera says more firmly. “I want to. Please.”  
  
It’s the “please” that does it. Kanan grins and kisses her again, slowly, languorously. She can still taste herself on his lips. There are a few desperate moments of anticipation as Kanan roots around one of his drawers for a condom. Hera giggles, still blissed out from her own orgasm, eager to move forward.  
  
Hera grips Kanan’s back as he lowers himself into her.  
  
“Are you okay? Can I – ”  
  
“Yes,” Hera breathes, and he begins to move, slowly at first, and then faster.  
  
Hera didn’t know it was possible to feel this way, to feel so connected to another person, to discover that a piece of herself was missing and only now has she been made whole.  
  
It’s a little painful, it’s a little awkward, and it’s absolutely perfect. When Kanan comes with a moan, Hera holds him even tighter. In that moment, they are not two different entities anymore.  
  
They are one soul, brought together.  
  


* * *

  
  
“Hera?” Kanan asks. They’re cuddling on the bunk in Hera’s cabin, her back pressed against his chest, her body slotted perfectly against his.  
  
“Hm?” she murmurs.  
  
“How awake are you?” he asks. He wants to talk to her about this, but it’s not a conversation a person should have while only semi-conscious.  
  
“I’m awake enough,” Hera says, and she turns her body so that she’s facing him, Kanan’s arm still wrapped around her waist.  
  
“I’ve been thinking,” Kanan says, and then hesitates.  
  
“About?” Hera prods after a few seconds.  
  
“Have you – have you ever thought about starting a family?” he asks.  
  
“We have a family,” Hera says. Kanan can hear the smile in her voice.  
  
“We do,” he says, “But I mean, the two of us starting a family together. Having kids of our own.”  
  
Hera’s body stills, and she’s silent for a moment. Kanan wishes that he still had his sight so he could try to read the expression on her face.  
  
“Kanan, my main priority is the rebellion,” she says slowly.  
  
“I know that, but what about when – someday – the rebellion ends. Have you thought about what you would want to do then?” he says. His heart is pounding in his chest.  
  
“Honestly, I don’t think about it very often. I try to stay focused on what’s happening now,” Hera replies. She pauses. “But, I have thought, maybe, if it ends and we survive, that I would want to have kids. Someday. Yes.”  
  
“I do too,” Kanan says quickly, “And I was thinking, if you’ll have me, maybe we could stay together.”  
  
Hera laughs.  
  
“Kanan, were you seriously worried about whether we would stay together after this is over?” she asks.  
  
“I just want to make sure,” Kanan says, somewhat defensively. Yes, he was worried, of course he was. Hera has been so caught up in the rebellion lately, coming into her own as a rebel leader – which is good, of course, and he supports her wholly, and he is so proud of her. But sometimes he wonders if she’ll still want him, if he’ll still be enough for her, if and when this all ends.  
  
Hera rests a palm on his cheeks.  
  
“Love, I will have you. I will have you every day for the rest of our lives, war or no war,” she says softly. Kanan is overwhelmed by the tenderness in her voice and the strength of her feeling. He tries, largely unsuccessfully, to blink a few tears away. Hera presses her lips to his gently, so gently.  
  
“And someday, yes, I would want to start a family with you,” she continues, her voice barely a whisper.  
  
“Okay,” he says thickly, emotions catching in his throat. He pulls her into a tight embrace. “That’s what I want too.”  
  
Kanan holds Hera close to him until they fall asleep, and she is still in his arms when they wake up.  
  


* * *

  
  
The worst night of Hera Syndulla’s life, the night she watches her love die before her eyes, is especially cruel because it begins with a reunion. She is so relieved to be with Kanan again. He looks different with his new hair and shaved face, younger. She can see the padawan he once was behind the man he is now.  
  
Still, she misses the ponytail. _This new look will take some getting used to_ , she thinks.  
  
She thought she had lost him. She thought she would never see him again. So she says something she tells him rarely, too rarely, and only when they are alone together – she tells him she loves him, right there in front of everyone, before all of Lothal and its wide, dark sky.  
  
And she kisses him. And he kisses her. And it is perfect.  
  
Then, just moments later, her entire world is destroyed.  
  
As Kanan holds back the flames, his eyes revert to their true turquoise. She realizes somewhere in the back of her head that he is doing this for her, transforming his appearance so she can see the eyes she fell in love with so many years ago. He doesn’t say anything – he’s too far away and the fire is too loud. But she hears him nonetheless, as if he were whispering in her ear.  
  
_I see you,_ his eyes say. _I love you. I will always be with you.  
  
Now go._  
  
Later, Hera wonders if Kanan could feel the collection of cells that would become Jacen when he pushed her and the others back. Did he know he was saving a new life as well? She likes to think so.  
  
She hates to admit it, but Hera is so lonely sometimes, especially now that she no longer has the war to focus on. Ezra is long gone, having taken another chunk of her heart with her when he sacrificed himself. She sees Sabine and Zeb occasionally – they love Jacen, and they worry about her. But much of the time it is just her, Jacen and Chopper on the ship, alone together.  
  
She’s not Force sensitive, although she thinks Jacen may be. She nonetheless believes she can still feel Kanan with her, watching over the two of them every day.  
  
Hera sits in the cockpit, staring blankly ahead, barely registering the swirl of hyperspace beyond her viewport. Jacen is napping in his room, supervised by Chopper. She is alone with her thoughts again.  
  
“I miss you,” she whispers suddenly. “I miss you so much. Every moment of every day, I miss you.”  
  
Hera can almost feel the weight of Kanan’s hand on her right shoulder. She has felt it before, in moments when she feels especially desperate, especially alone. She puts her left hand to that shoulder, but she only feels the fabric of her clothes.  
  
“I hate doing this without you, Kanan,” Hera says, her voice breaking. “You should be here. You should be here to raise your son.”  
  
Hera buries her face in her hands and weeps. These moments of overwhelming sadness come less often than they did in the first few months after Kanan died. But even years later, the grief still occasionally consumes her, and she can feel the pain as sharply as she did on the night she watched him die.  
  
Hera lifts her head up, hiccuping slightly. Glancing around the room, nothing has changed, but the quality of the air seems to have shifted. She feels like she isn’t alone in the cockpit anymore.  
  
Hera closes her eyes and hears Kanan’s voice, as clearly as if he was standing right next to her.  
  
_I see you,_ Kanan says. _I love you. I am always with you._  
  
Now keep going.

**Author's Note:**

> Phewwww I cried writing this! (Dave Filoni, turn on your location, I just want to talk.) If you cried too, I'm sorry but also not sorry. I just have a lot of feelings about these two!!! Ugh I'm gonna cry again just thinking about it.  
>   
> (Writing this also made me so sad that I am considering writing a fix-it fic now that Kanera Week is over LOL)  
>   
> It has been so, so fun participating in Kanera Week 2020. I'm so sad that it's over! If you've enjoyed it as much as I have, please reach out to me on tumblr [@skywalkeh](https://skywalkeh.tumblr.com). Also, I'd love to read your comments below! My readers are some of my favorite people in the world, and if I could I would give you all a big hug and a giant box of chocolates.  
>   
> Thank you so much for reading and coming on this journey with me!! <33333  
>   
> Title is from the song "Take On Me" by a-ha. A very peppy song that, when you listen to the acoustic version, is actually quite bittersweet and lovely.


End file.
